- fun with fundelicals, and other internet pastimes

fun with fundelicals, and other internet pastimes

05:29, 2008-Apr-10 .. 7 comments .. Link

Sometimes I forget that there are people out there who don't get my sense of humor. Seriously. I'm not as cuhh-razy in person, but definitely quick on my witty little feet. Tra-la-la-la-la-la! The Sarcasm Fairy has landed! Tra-la-la-la-la-la!

Don't you feel like an asshole when no one gets the joke?

No offense against Christians intended here... Those of you who are have been nothing but respectful towards me what you know about my own spiritual leanings (like I'm gonna tell you everything! well... actually... i sort of do). That's not who I'm talking about. I'm going to be referring to the Evangelicals and the Fundies, since they are sort of the very vocal, absolutist and batshit crazy part of the Jesus & Friends family. Same record label, different band.

The Fundelicals are fond of saying "PEOPLE AREN'T BORN GAY! IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE!". It's utter shite, of course, but it seems to make them more secure in their own sexual preferences. I'm not going to get into that here. There is no point. You know how I feel about it. I am a big supporter of fierce tranny hot messes. Of course I think that you're born with a preference for ween or meatflaps, no matter which you've got a set of. Yes, I graduated from Salty The Scurvy Sea Sailor's School of Etiquette for Ladies. How eloquent, yes?

I heard a Fundelical on a certain question/answer site that shall remain anonymous say "ALL PEOPLE ARE BORN CHRISTIAN". It got my Vicky's Secret drawers in a twist. I shall not name the question answer site in question. I don't want anyone else to get addicted to it. The religion/spirituality section is like crack. I go to ask if there are any modern pagans who use a Basque pantheon (not joking. I actually did ask), and... I am sucked into a world of snarky elitist Atheists who are purported to eat babies, and pushy, humorless, closed-minded Fundelicals who lament the devilish deeds of the infidel masses.

I'm not a snarky, elitist Atheist, but they make it look like fun.

I responded... ""PEOPLE AREN'T BORN CHRISTIAN! IT'S A LIFESTYLE CHOICE!", with snarky little arguments that mimicked the line of bullshit the Fundelicals always like to use against gay people. Sarcasm and satire are certainly lost arts in that crowd. It was a face palm against the ass of humanity (I'm not sure how that works, but it sounded good at the time).

Ummm... when no one gets something that you find rather clever, are you the asshole, or are they?

I've given it up. I'm going cold turkey. Yes, I did find a few people who asked intentionally funny questions. Any time you can suggest that someone find work-out DVDs like "Rock Hard Wiccan Abs" and "Sweatin' To The Crowleys", it's a small triumph. Any time that people don't get the irony in Zombie Jesus, you really just need to pack it in. It's addictive, but the rampant stupidity is more than I can stand.

Therefore... I blog. I need intelligent conversation and cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles.

My favorite though? Of all of it? I'd referred to Jebus as Geebus, just out of amusement, and said that it was the Orthodox Atheist spelling for the word.

A response? "JESUS IS HOW WE SPELL IT IN AMERICA!"

Oh... Fundelicals... if I wasn't possessed by a non-existent demon right now, I'd totally share my cupcakes with rainbow sprinkles. Priceless.

I'm wreaking havoc on my path to enlightenment by being an asshole, but... well... I... I got nothing. I'm going through some crazy crap right now, and levity is much needed.

Untitled Comment

06:46, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by sic

JESUS WAS BORN AMERICAN, AND HE'LL DIE AMERICAN, GOD-DAMNIT!!

I don't have the patience or even getting started with the no-fundies and the other crazies.You want to talk rationally about why you believe what you believe? That's all good under the hood, and I've done so with Catholics, Jehovah's Witnesses, Mormons, Buddhists, Lutherans and others.

But when they come out screaming like that Oxyclean peddling bearded madman on the TV, I tune them out just the same.

You're brave even dipping a virtual toe into those waters. I don't think my sanity or computer screen could handle much of that before one or the other or both were destroyed.

Untitled Comment

06:47, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by sic

By the by, I just noticed Che Elvis.

Awesome.

Untitled Comment

07:14, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by heidiland

Every time the Bearded Bard of Oxyclean shows up in a commercial, I like to yell...

"STOP SCREAMING AT ME!!!"

It never gets old. Ever.

It's too easy...

03:10, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by sortingitout

Those Christians are generally only Christian by saying so. It's the background noise of their lives, not alive in their hearts. A huge portion of them have never shoved their face in the Bible for longer than it takes to look up the scripture their pastor is quoting. They are an embarassment.

You're also correct, Heidi, Christianity by definition is a choice. It's in the Bible. And even then there's more to it than that. "Ask and you shall receive" means more than you may think.

And the name Jesus is misleading too. Jesus is a name like Fred or Mike. Our version of His name comes from the Greek name Iesos. THAT was translated form Aramaic, and in that language his name was Yehoshua. THAT name means God Will Save. It's a holy name and it has meaning. Ancient worshippers didn't even speak it out of reverence. Most of the Christians don't know that either.

Many Christians lack understanding of Christ. His Church is built on spiritual revelation in the hearts of individuals, and a relationship with him, not slogans and dogmatic sayings. Even our traditions are man made.

Our great commission is to TEACH the gospel (which has a meaning as well) to people because God wants his people back, not running and screaming from his word, being chased down the road by poorly trained, unsympathetic nutjobs. Fishing for men does not mean throwing dynamite in the water and scooping up the corpses.

In the mean time, try not to be too hard on those guys and girls, they're excitable. It's hard to live in a world you don't understand and have the people not understand how they should listen to you profess the faith you don't understand. Understand?

I know you do.

If you want to be surprised by the depth of spiritual teaching in the Bible, ask a Christian that studies it and prays. It's not what you think and neither are we. Ask me anything and I'll make timefor you.

/-)
sgr

<i>Untitled Comment</i>

04:44, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by slackdog

amen sista.
i've got nothin but leetle semi-happy cupcakes for you

http://slackdog.happysumo.com/blogcr...pcakes.jpg

EclectaComment

04:56, 2008-Apr-10 .. Posted by Eclectablog

Oh, how I wish I had been privy to that li'l debate you had going. I would SOOOO have loved to participate in that. Good fun, Heidi, good fun indeed.

Untitled Comment

08:22, 2008-Apr-12 .. Posted by bitzky

Heh, I remember my friend getting smacked with a purse by an old Catholic orthodox granny for rightly remarking that Jesus was a Jew. Such remarks won't be tolerated in Catholic Poland, you see! As true as they may be...

I think that Jesus is turning in his grave looking at what people have done with his philosophy. Well, he would have, if he has resurrected himself, ofc...

Last Page

.:ABOUT

Name: Heidi of the Land

Parts: 100% All Girliesque

Sign: 100% Leo, baby. Rawr?

Geographicals: 2nd Generation California Valley Girl.

Psych: Enfp! Yeah you know me!

Theme Song: "Les Os" by The Unicorns

Anti-Theme Song: Anything by Celine Dion or Kenny G

Can't Live Without: Kurtz, coffee, shoes.

Crack: MAC and Mac.