BOOBS!!!

It's always fun to make sure that you're listening to me. This entry isn't about BOOBS(!!!). Not at all. In fact, it's actually about social darwininsm in neo-puritanical post-modern America.

Except that I am totally lying.

It's definitely about BOOBS(!!!). Of course, I've complained about the fact that in my case, The Lord Giveth, and he kept on Giving Indefinitely. I don't mind being a recipient of my Ample Rack of Destiny, although I've certainly complained about the Burdens of Boobful Bounty in the past. In fact, I consider it to be one of my Once Per Year Rants. Is it okay to do a ranty-pantsy dance about one of your hot-button (pun? intentional? mois?) issues once per year or so? Well... yes! Of course! In the words of the immortal Brett Michaels, one of the world's most renowned afficionado's of Bountiful Boobage, "As You Know, I like To Rock...". It's okay to rant. Rock. On.

So I shall!

I've shrunken a bit over the last 10 months, gladly ridding myself of damn near 50lbs that I didn't really need. Hooray for me! It wasn't really that much work because I was in the right mental space to do it. It's quite good, and now it's all about maintenence. I'm never going to be a size zero, and I'm pragmatic enough to be content with that. My BOOBS(!!!) have not fluctuated in size at all over the loss of this fat baggage. Nope. They have stayed the same size. It's not bad it's just confusing. I suppose I'd rather be thick, with the boobage to balance out the prodigious assage, than have Bountiful Buttage with no boobage at all. That would just look weird. I may have too much of a good thing, but too much might be better than not enough.

My friend J-Fab, another who knows the Burdens of Boobful Bounty, were just talking about this the other day. Some of us are just going to have BOUNTY(!!!) no matter what size we are. I could shrink the rest of me down even more (I'm really burnt out on it though), but if my current and past experiences are any evidence, the BOUNTY(!!!) will most likely remain quite plentiful. Both J-Fab and I have had friends, collegues, or classmates who were curvier in stature, but who were not blessed by the Boob Fairy. I'm sure that if any of them went on the path of Righteous Shrinkage, they probably wouldn't change much in BOUNTY(!!!) either. If anything, the boobage helps to balance things out if one is curvier. This is one of the ways we make light of our aching backs and bra shopping frustrations. 

We'd both recently seen a documentary on women much like ourselves, who were frustrated over their Blessings of BOUNTY(!!!), and were seeking means of reducing the burden. Both of us really identified with what the women were going through. J-Fab is smaller than I am, but much more ferrociously Blessed. She has to buy bigger sizes of almost everything and have them taken in, just to accomodate the girls. I am just on the cusp of that, therefore I have no choice but to avoid shirts with buttons or make an appointment with a tailor. For those with BOUNTY(!!!), shirts with buttons are THE DEVIL in a Blue Dress that fits you insanely perfect in every area but the bust. Neither one of us would get a breast reduction, but it is intriguing to see how other women in a similar predicament handle it.

For J-Fab, it's the prospect of the reduction not really helping out in the longterm. She's known some women who have had one, only to have them keep growing. The issue of it being a major surgery is not a comfortable idea for her, and I am pretty much in agreement with that. For me, if they were any bigger, I would look into it. I am more or less happy with where they are, and can tolerate the annoyances. It's more of an annoyance than a quality of life issue. I'm afraid to have kids... I mean... I have a tough enough time getting shirts to fit right now! I'd probably have to go to the sporting goods store and buy a set of tents to accommodate my post-sprog boobage! Quel horror!

Of course being the Booberati, we get to laugh at tiny framed girls who get boob jobs and opt for the massive silicon behemoth style. I'm sorry, but when you naturally have the Burdens of Boobful Bounty, your frame is generally adaptive to that. There are plenty of tiny women born with them, but the muscles and tissues surrounding therein naturally adapt if they have to. Your body does what it can to support what you've got. When it's not natural, as opposed to natural-looking when in the perspective of your natural frame, it's pretty damn obvious. Another friend of mine, Dubs, is quite tall in height, and is fairly atheletic in her build. When she chose to have breast implants, she opted for a large C cup. You would never have any idea that she had anything done. They look like they naturally should on someone of her build, and it's given her a lot of confidence. I have no issue with implants, but I feel that there is something to be said for being realistic. For the size zero girl who opts for a DD? Well... I reserve the right to laugh. To each his own, but she may never join the Booberati. Access denied. They want the power that the  Burdens of Boobful Bounty offer with none of the responsibility.

Let any celebrity "dating" show on VH1 be a prime example of this tragedy.

It is what it is. I might be totally unable to buy a properly fitting bra at Vicky's Secret, but I'm not changing anything. We commiserate on our cleavage, but understand the responsibility bestowed on us.

That responsibility? Tis one of the many secrets of the Booberati. I could tell you, but then I'll have to strangle you with a sports bra. Tis' the Booberati way.