I'm uncertain about MTV's The Hills. On it's glossy surface, it appears to be a steaming mound of monkey poo. Delving deeper into it, I've discovered that it is indeed 100% Pungent Primate Poo with a gooey center of Satan Sauce. By delving deeper, I mean that I watched a promo for it. I fear what lurks beneath the surface. I truly do. Except there is no surface, merely static.

"Watching" The Hills and expecting to be entertained in some small way is an exercise in futility, and I am afraid of the Stairmaster. I AM THE MASTER OF THE STAIRS! That's nice. I am like totally going to leave now. Thanks. I AM THE MASTER OF THE STAIRS! Yeah, well... whatever. Here's a cupcake.

Can something so inspidly vapid steal my soul? Well... I have the facts and I'm voting "Yes".

I shall avert mine eyes to horrible acting disguised as "Reality TV".

I'd rather borrow a pair of Lindsay Lohan's knickers... Wait... she doesn't own any that don't come in legging form. Nevermind. Methinks Lilo likes the American Apparel Crackwhore Collection a bit too much. Crackwhorism would pretty much entail all of American Apparel's wares (or is that wears?). Made in America? Yeah? They make crack in America, my good Sirs and Madams. Modeled by underaged anorexic heroin users? It's a free country, one would suppose. Crack. Whores. Yay!

Speaking of crack whores, The Hills of DOOM, is responsible for one of MTV's greatest crimes against humanity other than Pauly Shore. Yes, this all has to do with my quantum crack whore theory.

The Hills of DOOM are responsible for an aberration called...

Heidi Montag.

I don't know who Heidi Montag "the person" is. She may be a decent representative of Heidies. Heidi Montag the reality TV character? She is a Heidi Killer. She besmirches the Holy Heidi name, and she must be stopped! The Heidi ManHag is She Who Shall Not Be Named Heidi.

I would be remiss if I didn't say that just a momentary glimpse at her silicon addled visage makes me wish that she would choke on a dick-shaped bag of dicks. Yeah... I said it. You were thinking the same thing, only with 50% fewer penises.

Yes... I dislike her so much that my Inner Sailor Who Enjoys Colorful Phrasery and Language of Compulsory Cursery finds new and interesting ways to insult her. I almost just made a typo. Is "inslut" a word? Is that too joyously Freudian? It's terrible. A mind is a terrible thing to waste, but... I'm not entirely sure that Heidi ManHag even has one. Does it take much brain power to hoist up ones jugs and put on a pair of booty shorts? I'm not sure. My booty doesn't partake in those sorts of shorts. My ass is so smart that it has it's own MENSA membership card.

She makes the rest of us Heidies look bad. It's never pleased me that we've had to deal with Heidi Fleiss. Heidi Klum and I can only do so much to make up for it.

The ManHag has called her new clothing line of Crackwhore Sports Wear... Heidiwood.

That is blasphemy, as far as I'm concerned. I hope she knows, this means WHORE! I mean... War! I mean...

Fucksticks. I don't know what I mean. I've run out of words, and dick-shaped bags.

Umm... So vote for me. I'm awesome. Yay!